After the U.S. soccer team was embarrassed by Italy last week and Brazil today , FIFA released a statement allowing the U.S. team to add wild animals to its roster. After the statement was released, the Wildlife Foundation recommended the top athletes from around the World willing to play for the team. Barring any setbacks as the animals still must be granted citizenship and receive all their shots, five wild animals will be joining the team for defensive purposes. Jack Hanna has also been added to the staff as a personal trainer for the new additions as they have worked with him in the past. Now, without further ado, take a second to meet the newest memebers of the U.S. soccer team.
Grumpy the Elephant will find himself in goal and should add an unmeasurable height advantage over the rest of the goalies in the league. His strengths include knocking out players with his trunk, spearing players with his tusks, easily popping balls and unbearable gas. Grumpy is also twice the height of the goal when standing on two feet and as tall as the goal when standing on all fours. Last year in a match against the Southern Hemisphere, Grumpy surrounded his goal with piles of poop, creating in impenetrable forcefield of stench which only monkeys were able to stand. The game was actually cancelled when the monkeys started flinging the piles of poo at the fans of the opposing team. When asked to comment on how he feels about joining the team, he pooped himself, but his excitement could easily be seen.
Fussy and Fairy (I'm sure you can figure out which one is Fairy) will be the two new defenders. Fairy likes to slap at defenders with his cat like quickness. And yes, it's not legal to slap defenders, but would you hand Fairy a red card if you were a referee? I didn't think so. Fussy has quite a temper on him and will be difficult to keep under control, but his strength is his footwork as he is very quick to the ball while most attackers don't challenge him once he commits to a ball. When asked why he hasn't ever allowed a forward to pass him, Fussy seemed somewhat uninterested as he intently licked his baby maker. Fairy was unresponsive when asked to answer any questions as he was disturbingly staring at Fussy with a pool of drool underneath him on the tile floor.
Scrappy the sealion is one of the most underrated and youngest players in the game as he uses this to his advantage. Slappy is used as a stopper and his strength is his cuteness. He mostly stands in the way and just looks absolutely adorable as he always has a knack for being around the ball. Most defenders are scared to attack any balls that go near Slappy for fear of accidentally kicking such a defenseless animal. Slappy has been kicked before, but only once...mainly because Fussy ate the culprit minutes after the incident. After being asked to describe how he stays so cute in the offseason, Slappy burped into the microphone and started slapping his fins together. Nobody was quite sure what that meant, but I could have sworn I heard him saying....Hercules, Hercules, Hercules!!!! We have no idea how that has any bearing on the question, but I know that I wouldn't approach a sealion that was slapping his fins together and belching Hercules.
Hungry the Hippo (Yes I know, he is still involved in a court case with Milton Bradley--not the baseball player--over monetary rights to the game we all played as a child) is a very versatile player despite his lack of speed. He will be used as a sweeper but can also play goalie if need be. Hungry can actually swallow two soccer balls at one time without even popping them. His strength is...well just that...brut strength. He uses his large frame to make up for his lack of speed. An intersting fact about hippos is that their sweat turns red when they are angry and the large red USA marking spray painted on his skin could more than likely prevent most players from crossing midfield. Thanks to Hungry, the U.S. team will have to pay for every ball that he destroys throughout the game. His last game played resulted in 25 different balls being used...in the first half. The game never actually reached the second half because the opposing team had to many injured players to continue playing. When asked about his violent play, Hungry ate the reporter.
Now, I know this may not solve our offensive problems, but nobody is going to score on us, so the worst we can do is a tie. Hey, it's a start as the offensive additions are still being looked at. And if anything, at least U.S. soccer games will actually be exciting to watch again.