So with the wonderful job of dealing with censored messages on Friday night, that meant only one thing...I needed to find a good movie to keep myself entertained. After doing that unenthusiastic search that everyone does through their friend's dvd collection, hoping to find a movie that they either have not seen more than five times or haven't yet seen, my girlfriend came across Marley & Me. I heard this was a pretty good movie and love dogs along with Jennifer Aniston...lol, so I agreed to watch it. Well, not only was it much better than I thought, but I have never watched a movie that has made me cry that much. Granted, I am a pretty emotional guy, but this was just ridiculous. Toward the end of the movie, I started thinking to myself, "OK, I am not going to cry...don't embarrass yourself." But then then my eyes filled up with water faster than cups on a football sideline manned my Bobby Boucher. And then I thought, "Well, this is no big deal, women like sensative guys and there is nothing wrong with crying during a movie." But then, the movie really started to hit home, and I felt a wheeping king of crying coming on...you know the one where you are trying to talk but nobody understands you because the only thing that comes out is a hiccup-like-scream fit only for the the mating calls of a sea lion. I tried extremely hard to keep my composure, but I was pretty much a complete mess. Thankfully, my girlfriend already knows that I'm pathetically emotional when it comes to movies, but this got me to thinking...when is it socially acceptable for a man to cry in public or in front of others. With that being said, here is my list of the Top 5 Most Acceptable reasons for a man to cry in public minus the obvious, and not very fun to talk about, death of a loved one.
5. Snakes : If you find yourself cornered by a venomous snake that you have just mistaken for a football shaped twig in an attempt to show off your kicking skills to the make-believe-friend you acquired on your walk home after consuming the entire bottle of Jack Daniels at the bar, then it's OK to cry in public. Not only have you drank too much to outsmart a parking meter, let alone a snake, but snakes have to be the scariest animals on the planet. Oh no? You show me another animal on the planet that can move that fast on land without legs. Ya, I don't think so! Oh, and not to mention the fact that you are about to die, because if a snake has you cornered, that means all other life forms have left the scene of your eventual death long before you pissed yourself.
4. Fantasy Football : If your fantasy team is down by five points in the championship game, and your running back gets tackled on the one yard line leading to a quarterback sneak to end the game, then it's OK to cry in public. I know you are thinking, "What a dork, who crys over Fantasy Football?" Well, you are exactly correct...fantasy dorks do. And since I have yet to meet a guy that does not obsess over fantasy football, that makes us all dorks. Unless you have experienced that anticipation of Week 1 of the NFL when everyone has a good fantasy team, you don't understand that there is nothing else going on in the world besides football. The President could be shot and you will be upset because the breaking news is interupting the final drive of the Bengals-Browns game even though the score is 45-17. If you see a guy sitting in front of a TV all by himself at Ale House on a Sunday and you don't even have to wonder why he is crying, then you understand his pain and would never judge him for being incapable of controlling his emotions.
3. Once in a lifetime opportunities missed : If you randomly meet an intoxicated Megan Fox, who by the grace of God, invites you back to her place for a "pillow fight," and you instead get pulled over for speeding and subsequently taken to jail for going 50mph over the speed limit, then it's OK to cry in public. As a matter of fact, if any of your friends happen to be with you, it is also OK for them to cry as well. Now, if you were swifter than the average goofball and convinced the cop that the reason you were speeding was because you were about to become the envy of all manhood and that he should let you go, then it would once again be OK to cry...this time tears of joy in public. And if you were lucky enough to acquire photos of your romp with Miss Fox, only to have them eaten by your dog, it would actually be OK to cry for a week straight in the middle of a crowded arena.
2. A Swift Kick in the Balls : I am not really sure that this topic really needs much of an explanation. It doesn't really matter if you get nailed in the balls or someone gives you a quick little tap on your manhood, it hurts like the dickens. It's simple. You get hit in the crown jewels, you instantly fall down and you cry. Nobody thinks any less of you and quite frankly, they are just thankful that they don't have to feel your pain.
1. Disappointing your Mother : OK, this one seems a bit pathetic, but whether or not you want to admit it, the last thing you want to do is let down the woman who brought you into the world. I read a story about how a man was holding a family hostage in their own house after shooting a cop and how he emerged from that situation without being shot. You know why? Because the SWAT team brought his mother to the house, and she told him to drop his weapon and surrender. He did it. Now that is some powerful stuff. Unfortunately for this guy, he would soon be crying behind bars on the shoulder of some guy named Bruno.