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Tag:Joe Thomas
Posted on: June 24, 2009 10:31 am
Edited on: June 24, 2009 10:34 am
 

The Real Athletes

A while back, a certain sports network had the discussion of who the greatest current athlete is. Names like LeBron James, Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong and Terrell Owens were thrown around, and I can't quite remember who won, but in my opinion, none of them should have ever even been named. Now don't get me wrong, these are some of the greatest athletes of all time as they have dominated or will continue to dominate their sport for years, but these guys still aren't the best athletes in sports. The true athletes are the guys that are fat and out of shape, but still find a way to perform at a high level. It's easy to dominate when you work out and stay in perfect shape, but think about how hard it is to stay a professional athlete when your diet consists of cutting from a 12-pack down to a six back every day, and your idea of a work out is spending $1,000 on a lap dance from more than one girl.

So I thought, what better way to honor the best current athletes in sports than with a list of the Top 5. I thought about explaining what criteria needed to be met in order to categorize the athlete as overweight, but once I looked over my list, I felt as though it was pretty damn obvious. Hopefully this list will encourage fat kids around the world to put down the cake and pick up a baseball bat or put on a football helmet. As far as I am concerned, all these superstars shouldn't have the highest selling jerseys in sports and the kids should be looking up to...

5. Sebastian Janikowski : If you can remember back to when Sebastian was playing for the Florida State Seminoles, he portrayed the ultimate loud mouthed party boy that didn't know the meaning of the word practice. Sebastian was simply told when he was supposed to go on the field, but when he did, he sure made the best of it, kicking ridiculously long field goals that a man with a beer belly simply shouldn't be capable of making. The Raiders actually used their first round pick to select Janikowski with the 17th overall selection in 2000. The argument of how terrible of a selection that was by Al Davis is meant for another time, but Janikowski will probably be able to say he is the best kicker selected in the first round of any draft...forever.

4. John Daly : This beloved golfer is the ultimate man's man and has become somewhat of an iconic superstar because of his antics. He has been arrested who knows how many times for public intoxication, uses beer cans to tee off with, and has been wearing what equates to clown outfits recently...that is when he actually has his shirt on. He can hit the golf ball a ton, sober or drunk and if you google his name, there will probably be a picture of him flashing the camera along with the girls posing with him. He also won Rookie of the Year in 1991 while his biggest accomplishment came in 1995 when he won the British Open. Whether or not his image is good for golf, America's love for Mr. Daly can't go unnoticed as we love to watch talented people miserably fail and then attempt to get back on the horse...over and over again.

3. C.C. Sabathia: Mr Sabathia is now the richest man on this list after signing a seven-year, $161 million contract with the Yankees. After pitching most of his career with the Indians and helping the Brewers make the playoffs last season, C.C. is still searching for a World Series championship. Even though that prize has eluded him, he is still considered one of the best pitchers in baseball as many of you were probably hoping to select him in your fantasy draft. While the new Yankee tends to get better as the season moves along, he has known to be terrible at the beginning of the season. Nobody is really sure why, but it might have something to do with C.C. confusing the doughnut on the on-deck circles for Krispy Kreme year in and year out.

2. Prince Fielder: Like his hefty, homerun-hitting, first-baseman father, Prince took the baseball world by storm his rookie year and has never looked back. Not to mention that when your dad names you Prince, you either have to follow in his footsteps, become a drag queen, or settle for singing covers of "Purple Rain" at hole-in-the-wall bars. He has yet to measure up to his father in terms of longevity in the field, but he seems to be even more talented and surprisingly more swift of foot despite being larger than his papa. Unfortunately for Prince, he is playing for the Brewers, a franchise that has zero World Series championships to its name. However, this gives him the chance to cement his name in history as the superstar that helped propel Milwaukee to its first ever ring, but playing for a town known for its ability to brew beer, can't help when it comes to getting into baseball shape before the season begins. Not that I'm really sure what baseball shape means when half the players look to be out of shape anyway.

1. Any Offensive Lineman : Pick one. Any one of them. It doesn't matter. These guys are the most under appreciated athletes in all of sports. Actually I bet 90 percent of sports fans can't name the entire starting offensive line on their favorite NFL or college team. Imagine being overweight at 380 pounds and having a faster more agile man running straight at you every play for 60 minutes of the most grueling sport in the world. If you stop the guy, nobody notices, but if you don't, it's your fault when the team's season is ruined because the star quarterback is out for the year. But don't feel to bad for them as they are well paid. Joe Thomas makes 8.6 million dollars a year to block for the Browns...and they suck! My favorite part about offensive lineman is that for some reason, they always end up marrying a 5 foot 95 pound woman. I would like to know how that works in...well you know.



Honorary fat guys who paved the way for the star athletes of today in no particular order
-Charles Barkley
-Babe Ruth
-Cecil Fielder
-Charles Barkley
-John Kruk
-Oliver Miller
-George Foreman
-Refrigerator Perry
-Shaquille O'Neal
-Butterbean

 
 
 
 
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