Tag:Landon Donovan
Posted on: June 25, 2009 4:59 pm

Renamed for Success

I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but since the last blog I wrote urging the U.S. team to add wild animals to their team to make the competition fair, they have been on fire. Basically I talk about how much the U.S. Soccer team sucks and they go ahead make me look bad. They are playing better than they are supposed to be and quite frankly I still have no idea how they did beat Spain. This leads me to only one conclusion. They are frequent readers of No Joy in Mudville and they didn't take a liking to me calling them out. With that being said, I am going to critique the team once again as it prepares for the FIFA Confederations Cup Finals against Brazil. As we all know, Brazil is a powerhouse soccer club which breads its players from the time of birth, but that is not the real reason for their success. It's all about their superstar names which are similar to American icons like Cher, Madonna, Prince and Shaq. With names like Ronaldinho, Kaka, Ronaldo, Rivaldo, Robinho and of course Pele, how can they not be good.

With all this in mind, I have taken the liberty of renaming the players on the U.S. team to make them more fierce and talented:

Tim Howard - Gloves
Jonathan Bornstein - Bornie
Carlos Bocanegra - Boca
Conor Casey - Yesac
Oguchi Onyewu - Guchi
Heath Pearce - H.P.
DaMarcus Beasley - Beaser
Clint Dempsey - Demp
Charlie Davies - Char
Landon Donovan - Dondon
Marvell Wynne - Wynnie
Michael Bradley - MLey
Ricardo Clark - Card
Danny Califf - Leaf
Jay DeMerit - Jayde
Sacha Kljestan - Stan
Jozy Altidore - Alty
Brad Guzan - Gooze
Freddy Adu -Fred Fred
Francisco Torres - Cisco
Jonathan Spector - Specs
Benny Feilhaber - Habs
Luis Robles - Rubes

If we somehow find a way to defeat Brazil, I think I should be hired as the inspiration blogger for the United States.
Category: Soccer
The views expressed in this blog are solely those of the author and do not reflect the views of CBS Sports or CBSSports.com