Posted on: July 15, 2009 11:31 am
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Posted on: July 15, 2009 11:30 am
After watching the home run derby last night, I came to the realization that Josh Hamilton has ruined all home run derby's from here on out. His 23 homeruns in the first round of the 2008 Home Run Derby, makes every other performance seem down right mundane and not worthy of my time. Last night, Prince Fielder and Nelson Cruz each hit 11 homeruns in the first round which is usually a big deal, but it no longer is.
As a matter of fact, I bet the majority of baseball fans can't name the winner of last year's home run derby, but they can tell you that Josh Hamilton broke the record for homeruns in any round of a homerun derby. And not only that, but I guarantee you most people will tell you that Mr. Hamilton was the actual winner of the home run derby.
Before 2008, I would have applauded Prince Fielder and Nelson Cruz for putting on a show for the fans at Busch Stadium and raved about how 2009 gave us one of the best derby's of all time, but all I can think about is how each of them hit less homeruns in all three rounds combined than Hamilton hit in the first round.
Since their is nothing that can really be done on behalf of the players and we will not see another performance like that again until the All-Star game is held in a wind tunnel, also known as the new Yankee Stadium, I have devised a plan to make the homerun derby entertaining once again...
Rock N' Jock Home Run Derby. That's right, you remember the Rock 'N Jock Softball games that used to be held on MTV with athletes, former athletes and celeberities. Well, I am stealing a few ideas from them for the purpose of saving the Home Run Derby.
Rock N' Jock used to have a variety of fake farm animals in the outfield, (real farm animals would be more entertaining but we don't want any wilbers or betsys getting hurt, plus PITA would have a field day with MLB) and if one of the players hit one of the standing replica animals in the outfield, they would receive extra bases depending on the animal. Well I say we place about three or four replica farm animals of varying sizes in the stands. A barn being hit would be worth an extra home run, a cow being hit would be worth two, a pig being hit would be worth three, a chicken being hit would be worth four. Don't tell me you wouldn't want to hear Chris Berman scream, "Albert just got into one...Oh man it's a moon shot...could it, could it...Oh my, he just hit a pig, he hit a pig...Albert Pujols has just won the homerun derby after hitting a big on his last swing!" Now that is entertainment at it's finest.
Also, there would have to be about ten sections that were partioned off for beautiful young ladies laying out on a lounge chair with a pina colada in one hand and a glove in the other hand. If one of the participants could hit one of these young ladies a ball and she was able to catch the home run, he would receive an additional five home runs for that round. I know this sounds a big difficult, but just picture the scene from Sandlot when Benny the Jet Rodriguez tells Smalls to stick out his glove and just squeeze. I know it sounds pretty difficult, but that's why they would receive five extra homeruns for such a feat, plus don't tell me Red Sox fans wouldn't like to see a beautiful blonde at the top of the Green Monster wearing a Red Sox hat and a red bikini, tracking balls like Torii Hunter. I know some of you are getting excited just from reading about the thought of this happening.
And of course, last but most certainly not least, we would have to introduce the money ball. The gold ball which comes last and gives money to charity is great and all, but it's not entertaining. The money ball would be, of course, green...maybe neon green to make it easier to see, but a participant would get the money ball thrown to him when he has nine outs. The money ball would be worth five home runs. However, they would only get one swing at the money ball. If they hit a home run, they are done and if they don't they are still done. This would add some pressure to the last swing, in turn, addding some much needed drama to the end of each player's at bat no matter what round they are in.
I know all of this sounds a bit off the all and almost excessively foolish, but don't tell me you wouldnt watch it, or at least take the time to TIVO such an event.
Posted on: June 24, 2009 10:31 am
Edited on: June 24, 2009 10:34 am
A while back, a certain sports network had the discussion of who the greatest current athlete is. Names like LeBron James, Michael Phelps, Lance Armstrong and Terrell Owens were thrown around, and I can't quite remember who won, but in my opinion, none of them should have ever even been named. Now don't get me wrong, these are some of the greatest athletes of all time as they have dominated or will continue to dominate their sport for years, but these guys still aren't the best athletes in sports. The true athletes are the guys that are fat and out of shape, but still find a way to perform at a high level. It's easy to dominate when you work out and stay in perfect shape, but think about how hard it is to stay a professional athlete when your diet consists of cutting from a 12-pack down to a six back every day, and your idea of a work out is spending $1,000 on a lap dance from more than one girl.
So I thought, what better way to honor the best current athletes in sports than with a list of the Top 5. I thought about explaining what criteria needed to be met in order to categorize the athlete as overweight, but once I looked over my list, I felt as though it was pretty damn obvious. Hopefully this list will encourage fat kids around the world to put down the cake and pick up a baseball bat or put on a football helmet. As far as I am concerned, all these superstars shouldn't have the highest selling jerseys in sports and the kids should be looking up to...
5. Sebastian Janikowski : If you can remember back to when Sebastian was playing for the Florida State Seminoles, he portrayed the ultimate loud mouthed party boy that didn't know the meaning of the word practice. Sebastian was simply told when he was supposed to go on the field, but when he did, he sure made the best of it, kicking ridiculously long field goals that a man with a beer belly simply shouldn't be capable of making. The Raiders actually used their first round pick to select Janikowski with the 17th overall selection in 2000. The argument of how terrible of a selection that was by Al Davis is meant for another time, but Janikowski will probably be able to say he is the best kicker selected in the first round of any draft...forever.
4. John Daly : This beloved golfer is the ultimate man's man and has become somewhat of an iconic superstar because of his antics. He has been arrested who knows how many times for public intoxication, uses beer cans to tee off with, and has been wearing what equates to clown outfits recently...that is when he actually has his shirt on. He can hit the golf ball a ton, sober or drunk and if you google his name, there will probably be a picture of him flashing the camera along with the girls posing with him. He also won Rookie of the Year in 1991 while his biggest accomplishment came in 1995 when he won the British Open. Whether or not his image is good for golf, America's love for Mr. Daly can't go unnoticed as we love to watch talented people miserably fail and then attempt to get back on the horse...over and over again.
3. C.C. Sabathia: Mr Sabathia is now the richest man on this list after signing a seven-year, $161 million contract with the Yankees. After pitching most of his career with the Indians and helping the Brewers make the playoffs last season, C.C. is still searching for a World Series championship. Even though that prize has eluded him, he is still considered one of the best pitchers in baseball as many of you were probably hoping to select him in your fantasy draft. While the new Yankee tends to get better as the season moves along, he has known to be terrible at the beginning of the season. Nobody is really sure why, but it might have something to do with C.C. confusing the doughnut on the on-deck circles for Krispy Kreme year in and year out.
2. Prince Fielder: Like his hefty, homerun-hitting, first-baseman father, Prince took the baseball world by storm his rookie year and has never looked back. Not to mention that when your dad names you Prince, you either have to follow in his footsteps, become a drag queen, or settle for singing covers of "Purple Rain" at hole-in-the-wall bars. He has yet to measure up to his father in terms of longevity in the field, but he seems to be even more talented and surprisingly more swift of foot despite being larger than his papa. Unfortunately for Prince, he is playing for the Brewers, a franchise that has zero World Series championships to its name. However, this gives him the chance to cement his name in history as the superstar that helped propel Milwaukee to its first ever ring, but playing for a town known for its ability to brew beer, can't help when it comes to getting into baseball shape before the season begins. Not that I'm really sure what baseball shape means when half the players look to be out of shape anyway.
1. Any Offensive Lineman : Pick one. Any one of them. It doesn't matter. These guys are the most under appreciated athletes in all of sports. Actually I bet 90 percent of sports fans can't name the entire starting offensive line on their favorite NFL or college team. Imagine being overweight at 380 pounds and having a faster more agile man running straight at you every play for 60 minutes of the most grueling sport in the world. If you stop the guy, nobody notices, but if you don't, it's your fault when the team's season is ruined because the star quarterback is out for the year. But don't feel to bad for them as they are well paid. Joe Thomas makes 8.6 million dollars a year to block for the Browns...and they suck! My favorite part about offensive lineman is that for some reason, they always end up marrying a 5 foot 95 pound woman. I would like to know how that works in...well you know.
Honorary fat guys who paved the way for the star athletes of today in no particular order